Three words: Big Band Swing. How classy would it be to get your former love into a music hall, jump up on stage wearing a glittery dress or coattails, surround yourself with tuxedo-ed musicians and chorus girls and sing a beautiful rendition of Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off? It’s a fairly universally acknowledged fact that you can’t be sad AND listening to show tunes. This way, at least they can tap their feet to the sound of their heart breaking.
Bring it full circle. Think of when you were first courting. Where did you go? What did you do? What crazy unique things happened that made you fall madly in love and then brought you to wanting to dump their sorry arse? Ahem. I mean, if you revisit all those early memories, maybe your break up will feel more like a chapter closing rather than an amputation. Closure is always so much more calming than taking a hack saw to your relationship.
Find a way to become James Dean. No one would ever deny that man anything. If you can find a way to morph into the aforementioned brooding young man with his tight white t-shirt, denim jacket and dangling cigarette, there is no way you can come off second best. Your freshly dumped ex would merely sigh and pity what vagabond future your bad boy ways will lead you to. You will become the immortal one-that-got-away, but in a good way.
Say it with diamonds. People make the mistake of thinking that a massive rock is only welcome during a proposal. Try getting down on one knee, tiny box in hand and saying; ‘Will you be my ex?’ It will go down a treat, trust me. Who would care about a failing, mediocre relationship after getting wrist strain from wearing a 24-carat behemoth? But a few.
Mutually. This is the classiest way to break up with someone ever in the history of the universe. You both want it, so there are no hard feelings. What could be sweeter? So beautiful and so rare. Take your cue from Joey and Rachel in Friends. Just try and avoid the slaps.
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