To Drink and Drink Not

Over the interim of this changing Sydney weather, I have had the good fortune to be able to drink a wide array of alcohol. This post is not just a ‘duuuuuuuude, I got so plastered!’ kind of a post, so trust me, there is more coming. Since the weather has been shifting from cold to hot and back again, there has been the perfect mix of temperatures and humidity to properly savour different tipples in their best environments. This post is thus a guide, researched by yours truly, as to the best alcohol to drink while knitting.

I’m sure there are Craft Nazis out there who would say that you shouldn’t be on the grog whilst on the needles. To them I say; Okay! You’re probably right! But where’s the fun in that! Just take a look at the fabulous TenTenKnits. A significant portion of her posts revolve around knitting and red wine. This is why I love her. And just look at the kind of designs she has made!

So here is my guide to Drink and Knit Responsibly. These aren’t universally applicable either, but it is what worked for me. For the benefit of the particularly scientifically-minded among you, I was (and still am) knitting a behemoth of a blanket in garter stitch for the duration of this experiment. I figure that’s as close as it will get to a control type in knitting. Variables such as cables and lace will have to be tested independently. I refuse the task, but if you’re mad enough to try it, I love you. Give me your number?

Red Wine- Being the staple of TenTenKnits I thought I would give it a try. If I may wax lyrical for one minute; red wine is the femme fatale of alcohol. The colour is so achingly close to blood or Chanel’s signature lipstick. The glamour of it makes me want to wear Cuban heeled stockings and patent leather court shoes and look witheringly at Humphrey Bogart. That being said, it is shit to knit with. Red wine makes me feel hot (in a non-sexy, menopausal kind of way) almost instantaneously. Anything warm and snuggly I am carrying (knitting and overweight cats included) is quickly shucked off for relief. I wouldn’t discount drinking red wine and knitting in Siberian winters, however, or anywhere that it went below 0°C for a long period of time.

White Wine- This is the general drink of choice around this neck of the woods. It makes me feel louche and nouveau riche. I can feel myself thinking that pastels and Doric columns are stylish architectural choices for modern homes, and that the Gold Coast is an unexplored centre for Art and Culture. The coolness and sweetness means it is better for me for knitting than red wine but ultimately I get talkative, laugh like a galah and get distracted from knitting pretty quickly after the first glass. Quite possibly I would knit longer on white wine if I owned a Mercedes SUV.

Beer- I love beer. Possibly one of the most frequently said statements in this country, but it’s true. I love it in truly appallingly hot weather, with a bag of salted chips and pizza. Beer and knitting, however, do not mix. It makes me feel infinitely more masculine than I actually am, and I almost become like a coarse, rough-around-the-edges farm labourer. My head nods further and further into my chest and makes me feel as parched as a farm labourer would probably feel while labouring. It also challenges my new-discovered masculinity and makes me feel less than a man, which then makes me sad. A dry sullen farm labourer does not a good knitter make.

Vodka- I usually drink vodka with tomato juice and Tabasco sauce. It is nearly a Bloody Mary, but without all the hoo-hah of having to shake it up and add celery like a douchebag. I love the name of the drink; Bloody Mary. With echoes of violent English history in its name, and echoes of violent Polish and Russian history in the alcohol content, vodka is thus not really a drink to have when manoeuvring through a stressful piece of knitting. My knitting was straightforward, never ending garter stitch so it wasn’t too much of a problem. I see vodka as a drink for those on the end of their tethers. It may be a quiet sort of madness, or a mournful nostalgia for a happier past, or even a raging refusal to see sense, but they are all tether-ends that wouldn’t match with Herbert Niebling lace, for example. If you’re happy and you know it, knit and drink vodka.

Gin- Without doubt, gin and tonic is the best drink to knit with. I thus bow down to the soused housewives of yesteryear. They knew what they were doing. Perhaps they felt dead inside and raised a generation of anxious children and angry, unhappy husbands but they knew how to mix craft and booze. I now properly understand the phrase ‘Mother’s Little Helper’. I’m not a mother, but gin-help is always appreciated. I happily swilled this cheering brew continually while knitting and nary a mistake was made. It has now got to the stage where I wake up the next morning and don’t even remember knitting as much as I have. This is truly a blessing with a garter stitch behemoth.

Remember to drink and knit responsibly by following this phrase;

*Always gin, sometimes vodka, occasionally wine and never beer*

Happy Debauching everyone!