1. How anal it makes you look to others
The thing about OCD is that it’s hilariously funny. We are taught this through pop culture gems such as Jack Nicholson’s film As Good As It Gets and the Tony Shalhoub TV series Monk. It is fun to see others in the firing line as idiosyncrasies are aired, and it is also evidently a valuable asset to have at a crime scene, that incredible attention to detail. Unfortunately in real life being that anal is not actually such an ice-breaker. Lists will make you freakishly organised; they will also, however, just make you a freak.
2. The anxiety it produces
There is something calming about finishing writing a to-do list. There is subsequently something incredibly anxiety-inducing about actually having to follow through and complete all the to-dos on time. Perhaps if to-do lists weren’t written there would certainly be an unorganised kind of anxiety; but the specificity and finality of a list only sharpens the edge of it through your hyper-organisation. Just imagine how the villagers felt upon receiving the Ten Commandments; great that they’ve finally sorted that whole Sin-thing out, but holy crap if we don’t have to watch our backs now.
3. Its inherent exclusivity
It’s like Santa’s Nice list- you’re either on it or you’re not. There are no shades of grey with list-making, just like George W. Bush’s foreign policy. You’re either with us or against us; list-approved or list-denied. It’s more cutthroat than Blackbeard, more high stakes and low blows than Wall Street. In other words, the metaphors and similes will just keep rolling on in regards to how exclusive lists can be.
4. The infinite potentiality
Every good list-maker faces this philosophical muddle; Can A List Ever Really Be Complete? Well, yes of course, for example if you have to list all the letters of the alphabet. But pedantry aside, there are some lists that Will Never Feel Complete and truly never will be complete, and the Bowie-of-tight-tights-Labyrinth-fame it opens will remain limitless, stretching into infinity, A Bottomless List.
5. Once used, they're useless
When all the boxes have been ticked off with a satisfying contrasting pen colour, there is nothing left for the once faithful list. It has served its purpose and is now useless. It is set adrift on the organisational tide, another bit of waste paper for the environment to reclaim. Lists will remain as official detritus of a more carefree time, hidden away in the retirement homes of paperwork, remarking on how things were different in its day, waiting for its grandchildren to visit.
6. Lack of narrative flow
There is no space for elaboration on a list. No deviation or tangential comments are allowed, and the resulting pictures they paint of our world are stifled and linear. There is no chance for experimentation with verse or an unusual plot structure with lists. They remain steadfast and unshakable in their conservative outlooks on narrative. It is a cold, cold soul in the midst of every list.
7. Not a high-tech organisational option
In this day and age of iPads and eBooks, virtual relationships and web-based content, the humble list is much like a relic from the olden days. The numbered scribbling down a tiny square of yellow Post-It note paper is so simple and archaic, so beautiful and yet so outdated. What place do lists have now that there are phones that can talk to you in order to organise your life, gently break up with your latest partner, and visit your Grandma on Sundays?
8. Oversimplification of issues
The good old Pros-and-Cons list is a very handy way to sort out opposing sides of an issue. That is providing that the issue is relatively small, such as which film to see in the cinema, or what cake to bake for your birthday. When it comes to much more important issues lists fall remarkably short. Let’s face it; if a Pros-and-Cons list was enough, the Israel-Palestine conflict would have ended before it began.
9. The appalling list offshoots
We’ve all been there. Primary school classes, the introduction to us of the ‘brainstorm map’ or the ‘flow chart’. This is how we sort out our thoughts, children, with a ridiculously spidery path of shoddy arrows that end in lumpy bubbles. Were my thoughts ever sorted out? No, they were just made infantile when I’m fairly confident that true brainstorms are like a well-timed attack by Voldemort; mad, bad, bloody and scary enough to make you Expelli- your –Armus all over your pants.
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